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Drabbles: Almost

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Jan. 18th, 2017 | 09:44 am
posted by: huldrejenta in rt_morelove

Author/Artist: huldrejenta
Title: Almost
Rating & Warnings: PG, some Remus-angsting
Word Count/Art Medium: 4 x 100
Prompt(s): #26: First person POV, present tense. #48: Almost.
Summary: Remus can almost convince himself this is for the best.
Notes: Yay, so happy to write R/T again, even if it's very short. Unbeta'd, so feel free to let me know if there's any glaring English mistakes :)

She's done it. Just now, standing by the kitchen counter here in Grimmauld Place, pouring herself some tea. She’s said the words she’s not allowed to say.
Sunlight is tilting in through the window high in the wall, and she sits down, starting to read The Prophet with a focused wrinkle between her eyebrows. Just as if nothing’s happened. Just as if she hasn’t pulled the rug from under my feet with her words.

Despite her best efforts, though, I can see it. The way she clenches her teeth tighter than usual. She’s hurt because I’m not saying it back.

The words almost slip out of my mouth. Not the words she used. No. I know they aren’t for me. I’ve made my peace with it.
But other words want to be let out. They push to break free. Words about how much she means to me. Words about how it’s like being young again; to get to know her and build a friendship. I had almost forgotten what that does to me. What that does for me.

Somehow I manage to keep my mouth shut. I may be selfish but not quite selfish enough to say it out loud.

I’ve asked myself, once, or maybe twice, in the hours just before dawn and my usual defences have abandoned me. I’ve lain awake with too many thoughts in my head, feeling too warm with my sheets covering me, feeling too cold if I pull them off. When did you know you’d end up falling in love with her?
A part of me knew from the start. She came to that first Order meeting, brighter than the sun. And then she smiled at me. The werewolf. Just as if I was one of them.

That was the first of many steps.

A long row of tiny steps, all leading in the same direction. I’ve tried to put the brakes on after every single one. Can’t say I’ve been very successful.
And now these steps have led us here. To the kitchen in Grimmauld Place. Her saying what I desperately want to hear. What I can’t give in to. I know she doesn’t understand why I keep pushing her away.
But one day she will. One day she’ll be grateful that she’s not bound to a creature like me. And I’ll be able to move on.

I almost make myself believe it.


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Comments {5}



from: author_by_night
date: Jan. 18th, 2017 12:59 pm (UTC)

I really liked this! The ending was especially powerful.

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from: huldrejenta
date: Feb. 1st, 2017 10:44 am (UTC)

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed :)

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from: gilpin25
date: Jan. 18th, 2017 10:08 pm (UTC)

It's a great image of Tonks picking up the newspaper after saying the words that send Remus into such a tailspin! I like the irony of him 'having made peace' with not being able to say them himself, and then how so many other words promptly fight to be let out instead. And I like the descriptions you've used: how Tonks isn't 'allowed' to say that, while he's always trying to 'push' the words and her away. It's all a very long way from being peaceful, much more an internal war.

The last line, of course, suggests he knows he's fighting a losing battle, at least with himself. Lovely job! :)

Edited at 2017-01-18 10:11 pm (UTC)

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from: starfishstar
date: Jan. 20th, 2017 02:05 am (UTC)

Ah, this is lovely and sad! Remus believing that these particular words "aren't for him"; Remus trying to make himself believe he's okay with that.

I got chills at "And then she smiled at me. The werewolf. Just as if I was one of them." That really does say so much about Tonks and who she is!

I also think "One day she’ll be grateful that she’s not bound to a creature like me." sums up a lot about Remus and why he fights against the connection between them for so long.

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from: faeriemagic07
date: Jan. 25th, 2017 02:32 pm (UTC)

Aww. This stage of their relationship carries a lot of weight of sadness in my heart. Just the kind of longing that a person could never have. (More highetened when I read about their divorce that had my heart broken so deep).

The words that had the most impact were

"She’s hurt because I’m not saying it back."
"But ...One day she’ll be grateful"
"I almost make myself believe it."

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